Snapshots

Back in the late 1990’s, Bill Cosby aired a show entitled “Kids Say the Darndest Things” in which he would pose them questions to allow a studio audience to revel in the naivety of their answers. Cosby was trying to cash in on the innocence of childhood with an acceptably mild form of exploitation. Train wrecks such as Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, and Miley Cyrus have since taught us that even the most benign commercial exploitation of a child can have irrevocably damaging effects. If memory serves, Cosby ran out of material after about one episode. Subsequent shows demonstrated awkwardly contrived questions designed to elicit the necessary type of response but the artifice was too transparent and overwhelmed the scant humour that remained. The problem is that the wonderfully humorous perspective of children can’t be scripted. It certainly can’t be packaged and sold like Cosby attempted. It exists only in their candor – perfectly unexpected candor – and it never loses its cache. Let me share some candid snapshots with you.

One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people-eater:
Milo: (huge grin) Look Dad! I painted my eyebrows!
Dave: Oh my god, Milo! Is that purple nail polish!? That's not like eyeshadow. It won't just wash off!
Milo: (smile dropping to fear) I don't want to be like this forever!

Sleeping with a One-eyed, one-horned, flying purple people-eater:
Blair: (stumbling from his bed rubbing his tired eyes) Dad I can't sleep in there with Milo. His eyebrows are freaking me out!

Bedtime Hunger:
Dave: Okay, Aiden. I'll lie with you for a few minutes. Now, just close your eyes and feel yourself sinking into the mattress. Feel every inch of your legs and your back and your head softly comforted and cushioned. Keep your eyes closed. Now try to imagine yourself on the deck of a nice boat, lying in the warm sun, with the roll of the waves gently rocking you to sleep.
Aiden: I'm imagining I'm on a sea of meat and I can eat as much as I want!

How to know you're a bad singer:
Dave: Okay, Milo. I'll lie with you for a few minutes. (gently and melodiously) Rock-a-bye baby, in the treetops. When the wind blows, the cradle will rock. When the bough....
Milo: Uuuuuh, Dad? Can you stop for a while?

Rural BC Dialect:
Marianne: Well, I hope Lily learns how to speak from you and not me.
Dave: Why?
Marianne: Because you have a better vocabulary and better grammar.
Dave: Yeah, I guess. We sure don't want her acquiring that Shawnigan Lake dialect and accent you have.
Marianne: (ingenuously) What accident!? I don't never had an accident!

Technological Humiliation:
Rory: No way, Tasha! My phone is way better than yours. I have voice recognition. Watch this! (holding his phone up in front of himself) Call Tasha.
Phone: (hyper-polite mechanical female voice) I'm . . . sorry. I didn't quite . . . get that. Can you please . . . try again?
Rory: (emphatically) CALL TASHA.
Phone: Thank you. Did you say, call . . . . . . . . . . ALLISON.
Rory: No. / Me, Megan, Tasha: Aaaaah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

Fairy-tales, Irony, Sexuality, and Tragedy:
Recently I bought a social "board" game called "what?". Ironically, it requires one player to pose questions to others to answer in any way they like. Competitors must try to guess who wrote a specifically chosen answer. Sometimes, at least with 'adults', I guess answers can be both candid and humorous.
Marianne: Disney has asked you to write a new ending to their classic fairy-tale version of Snow White. What would you change?
Stu: Graphic depiction of Snow White losing her virginity to Prince "Charming".
Lucy: Orgy with the seven dwarfs.
Marianne: She divorces him.
Dave: Everybody dies.

See you in hell,
Shakes.